Going Maso

I think I’m turning Maso.

Yeah. I think I’m turning Maso – Masochistic. Not in the sexual context of course, but more on the physical, emotional and mental context. I think I’m going back to an attitude I had years ago. I’ve been sleepless, restless, stressed, losing weight and mentally-strained for a little more than two weeks. There would be nothing wrong with it really if it had not been for the intentionality. I could have slept a little. I could have gotten even little rest. I could have eaten more. I could have relaxed my mind. But I did not.

It’s not depression, no. It’s not the desire to slim down either. I’m not exactly sure what the whole going-Maso thing is for, but I’m quite sure I feel good about it. Talk about pain for pleasure.

The pain’s worth it though. I won’t even call it pain because pain tends to linger. I say, just a little sting, just a petty, almost-not-there nip. Besides, it gets me going. That little nip bothers little and motivates a lot.

Nothing feels better than getting good results from sheer hard work. Equally is the feeling of knowing one did all one could.

Yeah. So I guess I’m using an old method of mine to venture into a new, and yes I consider it, better disposition. The feeling is almost new. It’s been so long since I focused this much energy on things. Funny I should use the word energy when it’s the very thing that’s – going… going… gone!

My fluctuating attitude is a constant threat to anything I do. Of course, I am not expecting this feeling to last for long. It’s like everything I experience and feel are highs from drugs. Just a week ago I had a different high and this week, it’s an all too different high again. I wonder what my next short-lived obsession would be.

So now I’m turning Maso. What will I be turning to next? Is it Pessi? Hope not. I don’t want to turn into everybody’s assurance and nobody’s concern. I don’t want to turn into a walking paradox. I don’t want to be like such basically because I got to complement someone as such. I got to be the balance that someone such needs in order to find wonder and interest.

I don’t want to be the one who needs. I want to be the one who is needed. I want to be the one who works and strives and not the one who just acts and waits. All these because the most beautiful and unsurpassed happiness comes from working and striving, just like how the most painful of pains comes from the disappointment amidst strongest efforts.

All these because not all surprises in the end are good.

I want to be that one. Because I know someone needs me to be that one.

Nothing Good Comes By Easy

I knew he’s too good to be up-for-grabs. Courting a gay for three years? Must be some gay. And he must be some loser, guy with no game. I might have done a better job if I were in his place. It’s just that, I don’t do that. So I should be turned-off, right? I mean, there must be something seriously wrong with him, right? Like, he’s some kind of a geek, or a twerp, or a push-over, or an intolerant view, or many other things. The thing is, I am so not, even after he dropped some flirtatious hints and then told me he’s been courting someone for a long time. That’s when I found out that he’s not much different from other men, men who just love to mislead gays. Well, maybe that was not his intention. With a demeanor such as his, I bet he was just trying to be friendly and charming. Yes, I consider that possibility. I’m not too bitter to think all men evil.

At least I got the answer I wanted. I did interest him. He wanted to know a lot about me. He wondered things about me. When I asked him, “What else do you want to know about me?” he said, “Enough to stop me from wondering.” I think it’s sweet, very poetic at some point. Just the right answer I was looking for. I didn’t want to disclose so much of course. I didn’t want him to stop wondering. I didn’t want him to stop asking questions. I never want him to. I felt a sense of satisfaction, a sense of fulfillment that I got someone as such to wonder things about me. Suddenly the crappy feeling about his love affair was forgotten. All that was there was that high I get everytime he does what he does, everytime he just becomes himself. God! I sound like such a hopeless romantic – all thanks to him.

What he doesn’t know however, is that I wonder a lot of things about him too. Well, for one thing, I wonder why the hell he turned out that way. He must have had a hell of an upbringing. Kudos to his parents!

He said, “You want to see us play some time?” and I said, “Yeah. Sure.” I wonder what songs they’ll play. I wonder which song’s going to play again and again in my head. Now I know why a friend of mine chose a song that goes, “… for you I bleed myself dry…” And now I choose a song that goes “… I was just walking on one fine wire…” thanks to Colbie Caillat (Get a listen on this one, it’s pretty cool. It’s called One Fine Wire.).

He said, “I want her eh.” Wow. Want is such a strong word for me. So strong it almost hurt, almost. Thank God it didn’t. Of course that doesn’t mean I didn’t get pissed. Almost got hurt. That’s great really. Just means I’m still me. Just means I’m still intact. Just means I’m still in control.

He said, “The good thing about waiting is the surprise.” Then I asked, “Is there always a surprise?” And he answered, “Oh yes! Everyday!” How nice if someone would say something like that about me. To think that you surprise someone every single day is such a feat! Something I’m not sure I could do. I’m not even sure if I can keep someone wondering.

“Maybe if I concentrate, he’ll deliver.” – this is the posted note on my sidebar. It used to be, “You’re doing great, believe me.” Obviously, I’m not doing as great as I was, but I’m still doing good. Yeah I am. I’m pretty sure of that. Looks like I’m trying to convince myself, but in a way, I think I am doing quite well. I mean, I am so enthusiastic in every single thing that I do. I always want to be good in whatever context. Ahaha! Okay. That was a little misleading, but basically, that’s it. I am so inspired to be better. And that’s a good thing, right?

He has the greatest answers to even the simplest and most cliche questions.

He says the simplest things in the most charming of ways.

He thinks that what’s complicated is what’s wonderful. – Exactly!!!

He makes you feel stupid at times, but makes you feel like you’re so interesting most of the time.

Music is his outlet as writing is mine. (Okay. That doesn’t make much sense, but I think they’re correlated at some point.)

Ah! This one’s better, makes more sense. Music is his outlet as it is my life.

Ooh! I just thought of this now. Maybe it’s because he’s like the boy version of moi. Could be, right?

Oh well, another note I posted somewhere is that: “I hope there will be developments.” I think you guys get it.