Going Maso

I think I’m turning Maso.

Yeah. I think I’m turning Maso – Masochistic. Not in the sexual context of course, but more on the physical, emotional and mental context. I think I’m going back to an attitude I had years ago. I’ve been sleepless, restless, stressed, losing weight and mentally-strained for a little more than two weeks. There would be nothing wrong with it really if it had not been for the intentionality. I could have slept a little. I could have gotten even little rest. I could have eaten more. I could have relaxed my mind. But I did not.

It’s not depression, no. It’s not the desire to slim down either. I’m not exactly sure what the whole going-Maso thing is for, but I’m quite sure I feel good about it. Talk about pain for pleasure.

The pain’s worth it though. I won’t even call it pain because pain tends to linger. I say, just a little sting, just a petty, almost-not-there nip. Besides, it gets me going. That little nip bothers little and motivates a lot.

Nothing feels better than getting good results from sheer hard work. Equally is the feeling of knowing one did all one could.

Yeah. So I guess I’m using an old method of mine to venture into a new, and yes I consider it, better disposition. The feeling is almost new. It’s been so long since I focused this much energy on things. Funny I should use the word energy when it’s the very thing that’s – going… going… gone!

My fluctuating attitude is a constant threat to anything I do. Of course, I am not expecting this feeling to last for long. It’s like everything I experience and feel are highs from drugs. Just a week ago I had a different high and this week, it’s an all too different high again. I wonder what my next short-lived obsession would be.

So now I’m turning Maso. What will I be turning to next? Is it Pessi? Hope not. I don’t want to turn into everybody’s assurance and nobody’s concern. I don’t want to turn into a walking paradox. I don’t want to be like such basically because I got to complement someone as such. I got to be the balance that someone such needs in order to find wonder and interest.

I don’t want to be the one who needs. I want to be the one who is needed. I want to be the one who works and strives and not the one who just acts and waits. All these because the most beautiful and unsurpassed happiness comes from working and striving, just like how the most painful of pains comes from the disappointment amidst strongest efforts.

All these because not all surprises in the end are good.

I want to be that one. Because I know someone needs me to be that one.

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